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My Love/Hate Relationship With Positive Psychology

By on July 30, 2012 in (He)artful Living, Growth & Transformation
Yes, I am a strengths ambassador. Yes, I believe like attracts like. Yes, I am on-my-knees, crazy in love with positive psychology. (And, yes, I still hate The Secret.)
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Remember when Rhonda Byrne “discovered” The Secret and everyone and their mom started parroting the insane notion that, with just a few affirmations a day, one would eventually wake up to a Maserati in their driveway*? Yeah, it’s no secret that I called bullshit on Byrne’s dirty lil’ bestseller from Day One.

*And/or any other practically unattainable status symbol/fantasy including but not limited to bathtubs full of $100 dollar bills, the fictional blue diamond from “Titanic”, a Cubs World Series win, etc.

For me, as an activist and well-informed world citizen, the clear (and rather offensive) fallacy of Byrne’s claims lies in the patent fact that, were positive thinking the real equivalent of a genie in a bottle, the human race wouldn’t continue to wrestle with massive problems like, um, I don’t know–war, poverty, cancer, AIDS, environmental degradation, slavery, violent crime, etc. etc. ETC.!!! And if it were, how dare Byrne make the reckless, hedonistic suggestion that we use our magical minds to do anything other than fix the above list? (Re: her “case study” of a gay stand-up comedian who used the Law of Attraction to overcome homophobia and achieve career success. Wouldn’t his desire to live freely and equally necessarily include the entire gay population of, at least, the United States? Guess he was either a greedy sadist or a really slow thinker.)

Okay, LOA lovers, I know what you’re thinking. I’m over-simplifying the theory behind Oprah’s foulest flavor of the month. The Law of Attraction, as Wikipedia will tell you, says that “like attracts like” and that positive thought has a placebo effect–if you intentionally believe that something good will happen, it will. Cite whatever statistics you want, I didn’t and don’t buy it. Not fully. (And I didn’t buy The Secret. A well-intentioned family member bought it for me and I read it one desperate day when I would have eaten my own eyeballs if it meant ending the despair and desperation I have come to associate with my early 20s.)

But here’s my secret. (And it’s not little or dirty–it’s big and beautiful!) I have come around to positive psychology. Now, I would still rather give my children a copy of the kama sutra before introducing them to Byrne’s misguided hit, but I finally understand why the LOA has so many followers. And, well, the secret is: I guess I’m kind of one of them (with a few very prominent asterisks attached to the label).

Allow me to explain. After exchanging my copy of The Secret for a few quarters (way more than it was worth), I willed myself to forget about it, and went on my not-so-merry way. But the LOA wouldn’t leave me alone. The damn thing was basically stalking me–peering into my windows, listening to my phone conversations, cozying up with my friends to get a little closer. I almost hit my breaking point when it found out where I worked. One of my first RKA ink clients–and, not coincidentally, the longest–was a life coach who specialized in the LOA and solicited my help in polishing her LOA-based materials. Inexperienced and nearly bankrupt, I took the job to avoid selling my soul to big business and did my best to hide my contempt for her woo-woo 1-2-3. And, that’s how the LOA finally pinned me down. Helpless and flailing, I became a reluctant expert on all things Secretive. I just couldn’t freaking escape.

That’s when the magic started to happen.

Want to know what sealed the deal? Yup. You guessed it. More positive psychology. I started working for another life coach, Brent O’Bannon, who specializes in the StrengthsFinder 2.0–The Secret‘s estranged cousin–which, not shockingly, I wasn’t too fond of, either. Strengths ambassadors believe that we all have a unique set of talents–our signature strengths–that we can harness to achieve personal and professional success. “Blah, blah, blah,” I thought. Cue the droning voice of Charlie Brown’s unintelligible teacher. But I was a bit more upfront with this particular client. I didn’t believe it but, heck, I could still write about it. Beats flipping burgers.

A true strengths ambassador, Brent didn’t give up on me. And, in November of last year, he sent me a copy of the StrengthsFinder 2.0 assessment and asked me to temporarily suspend disbelief and take the test. I did. And, truth be told, after reporting back to him, I promptly discarded the results. (Activator, Strategic, Connectedness, Individualization, and Communication, in case you’re curious.)

But just like the pesky lil’ LOA, the StrengthsFinder hunted me down and sucked my blood.

Brent began referencing my strengths in all our communication–dropping them into emails, meetings, Skype chats. Then, at a particularly rough point in my life, he offered to mentor me with the caveat that I wouldn’t be able to wriggle my way out of strengthspeak. Nearly at the point of eating my own eyeballs once again, I surrendered and strengths took their permanent place in my daily life. “Good morning, Activator!” Brent greeted me at our Monday meetings. “Yeah, yeah,” I thought. “Ready to rock and roll?” (Pause/sigh/eye roll) “Uh huh.”

Then, one not-Monday morning, I woke up and said reflexively, “Good morning, Activator!” and  seriously almost slapped myself in the face. “It’s finally happened! I’ve been infiltrated by the enemy!” I took a deep breath. Tried to walk it out. But my #1 strength was burned into my brain. “Activate!” I told myself, simultaneously looking to the skies with shock and dismay.

I had the most productive day ever.

Little by little, Brent began introducing me to strategies that I could use to maximize, monetize, and mobilize my strengths–his three catchy keywords for living one’s purpose with the help of his or her unique combination of talents. He even snuck in a little LOA, helping me to align my actions with my “big, hairy, audacious goals”–an idea that felt less patronizing and offensive to me than Byrne’s “happy thoughts = Maserati” Secret.

Guess what? IT WORKED.

Within months of aligning my intentions with my actions, I started dating the love of my life, landed my biggest client ever, and began laying the groundwork for my much-coveted international art and social justice organization.

Holy. shit.

The good things keep coming. Yes, I am a strengths ambassador. Yes, I believe like attracts like. Yes, I am on-my-knees, crazy in love with positive psychology. (And, yes, I still hate The Secret.)

The power of positive thinking is not like a genie in the bottle. If it were, you can bet your britches I’d be ending world hunger long before growing my business and flying to Germany to be with the man of my dreams. (Looks like we’ll all have to chop down that cherry tree one whack at a time.) But I have learned that, while not wish-granting, positive psychology is a lot more than woo-woo 1-2-3.

Here’s the big secret about The Secret–positive thinking doesn’t make miracles, it fuels miracles. As my human rights hero Paolo Freire wrote in a true must read, The Pedagogy of the Oppressed, it’s all about praxis: reflection –> action –> reflection –> action. The circle has no end. Yes, where there is a will there is a way. But “will” is a combination of mind AND might. My long-sought happiness and success is not a product of affirmation alone but intentional action, as well. The two are necessarily joined at the hip. Dream it. Then, do it. Period. Anything else and you’re BREAKING the Law of Attraction. That, my friends, is the secret.

(By the way, you can find Brent O’Bannon, an executive strengths coach who has conducted more than 27,000 coaching sessions and spoken to 55+ organizations across the world, at www.BrentOBannon.com. I cannot speak highly enough about his strengths Mastermind coaching program, which deserves a lot of the credit for my success. But don’t believe me. I certainly wouldn’t have. Suspend disbelief, give him a call, discover your strengths. It won’t take long for them to discover you.)

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  • http://www.yourgreatlifetv.com Bernardo

    Dearest Rachael,

    I guess there is a lot in here so rather than attempting to list out what my thoughts are on the whole thing I will just say this:

    I agree with you, The secret is kind of bulshitty and flawed in many ways – but not entirely, here’s why. In life you can manifest amazing things; however, you will be able to manifest who you are rather than what you think about. In other words, the vibrational force you create is stronger than the positive thoughts you can think about or repeat to yourself. In the end there is a scientific aspect of happiness (the basis of positive psychology) and there is an art form too.

    Sometimes it is easier to focus on principles or guidelines to create happiness, purpose, etc but in reality there is no replacement for basic heart and connection with your own awareness and what is true and real and unchanging.

    As you’ve probably found out by now: no one can ultimately teach you your own truth, you must discover it for yourself but when you do it’s like a thousand candles are lit inside your heart and you want to do whatever you can to share this light with others.

    Happy to hear your heart is lit up in a new and exciting way, although in reality I would be willing to bet it has always been shining this brightly but perhaps you were not able to see it in it’s full radiance.

    Much love to you,

    -Bernardo

    • http://www.RKAinLA.com Rachael Kay Albers

      Wow, what you say about vibration really speaks to me. I think what offends me most about The Secret and its following is that it is so centered on wealth, which seems misguided and extremely superficial to me. As you say in your videos, after the $75,000 income threshold–there is statistical evidence to prove that people are not measurably happier or more fulfilled. But The Secret seems to brush over the deeper heart matters and appeal to peoples’ desire for quick, skin-deep solutions. And, of course, as an activist, the emphasis on financial wealth, as perpetuated by pop icons like Oprah–who comes from poverty–feels dirty and insensitive to me. I find Oprah, one of The Secret’s biggest champions, to be extremely hypocritical and often condescending. Though she knows poverty firsthand, she has inundated her audience with fantasies of new cars and “favorite things”–then addressing major issues as if the two things aren’t entirely contradictory. I never saw her as a true philanthropist or “do gooder” because her charity is offset by a life of extreme opulence. How can seh justify her private jets, fancy face creams, and posh, custom-designed suites knwoing firsthand about the horrors of the world? She gives people a taste of luxury they cannot ever attain, while lying to them that with affirmations we all can become millionaires should we “vibrate” that type of success. Recently, I saw that she did a special on India on her network and Indian people were outraged by her stereotypical, patronizing coverage–featuring snake charmers and “poor” families (who still own HD TVs?!?!?) This article is not about Oprah, but it is about the people who were lured into the idea of The Secret through her influence and others like her. I know she probably got big bucks to promote this book. And when ratings soar, so does she. People love to tune into find out how they can get rich quick, lose that extra 10 pounds in a minute, find the man of their dreams through a mathematical formula, etc. But leading people down that path is downright deceitful. Especially when you KNOW it isn’t true. Anyway, all of this is to say–thanks for your comments. Thanks for reading. I appreciate it :-) And I appreciate YOUR radiance.

      • http://www.yourgreatlifetv.com Bernardo

        Thank you for your response sweet friend here are two ideas to think about that at least I find interesting.

        I believe that anyone who provides for others name it Oprah or whomever deserves to live the kind of life they want without that lessening the contributions they give to others in any way. In other words, there is a limit to what each individual person can give to end poverty and losing it all would not make a bigger dent in the real scope of things. One of the people I interviewed is now a friend and the co founder of the 6th most effective philanthropy in the world. He dedicated 100 million to providing water, housing, schools, medical centers in rural Ethiopia. He lives a very comfortable life and enjoys many luxuries in life that you or I don’t get the chance to. I don’t think that that aspect of his life lessens what he’s done for over two and a half million people. So while I have an idea for what I need in life in order to be happy, I can’t be the judge of others who are doing great work that will outlive them ;)

        I have a different feeling about the show you described above. I actually happened to see the two hour Oprah special in India and can honestly say it was one of the most powerful TV specials I have seen in my entire life (and I have seen a lot of stuff). It was full of contrasts, compassion, poverty and richness and contrary to the critics showed an extremely spiritual side of India in the midst of poverty.

        I will never forget the man on the tiny house who cried in front of the camera in a real and honest way sharing how he wants to provide for his family nor the woman in the 20 room penthouse who despite all wealth you could sense a real spiritual light permeating her life. Or the woman who is taking care of widows who were left alone to die by their families in this specific city in Incia (because as a woman without a husband you lose much of your value in Indian society, if you belong to certain social classes).

        I guess what I’m trying to say is that all of this is not as black and white as it appears and that although most of the world’s population will never be materially wealthy we all have the ability regardless of circumstances to attract real and lasting wealth which goes beyond material stuff but can include material stuff since we are temporarily in this illusion called life ;)

        Many blessings and hugs to you and that you for your kind words.

        -Bern

        • http://www.RKAinLA.com Rachael Kay Albers

          Bern–you definitely add a new dimension to what I often simplify. In that way, I am certainly a hypocrite. While I’m not at Oprah level–uh, far from it–I still do enjoy a certain amount of “wealth” (i.e. my computer, plane tickets, and occasional social drinking with friends). You said something impactful when you said that we all only live this life for a short time. I guess I still feel that there is a disconnect between advocating philanthropy and then also advocating luxury–luxury exists because of the blood, sweat, and tears of the world’s working people and couldn’t exist without it. And I also see a difference between someone who quietly enjoys their wealth and someone who broadcasts it to others. If we lived in a just and equal world, I would have no problem with Oprah’s mansion or fancy face cream but…since we do, I still feel conflicted and personally choose to live as simple a life, with as few unnecessary frills, as I can, while also enjoying my time on this planet. Oh, and maybe I should take a closer look at the India special now that I’ve heard your input. THANKS, BERN. <3 All my love!

  • http://lifeofherown.com melanie

    Interesting conversations. I don’t think that wealth and philanthropy or activism is mutually exclusive. I once had issues with Oprah and her huge promotion of “The Secret” because I feel that the book (although I have never read it) is so selfish based on material wealth.Somewhere along the line I became convinced that abundance was bad, that money, or luxury was bad, and the I too ought to live a simple life. Oh, I read Gandhi and somehow became convinced that I should sacrifice, that I should eat simply, limit my taste because extravagance is bad, etc. I have lived a simple life, but have had a high income, and as a result have been able to save and start investing it in other ways. I have become convinced that I am a hypocrite and am not living authentically, that how can I fight for equality, or against poverty, etc when I am for the first time ever buying a week at a luxury resort in mexico. I convinced myself that surely I should throw everything away so that I can live true to my principles. I have been beating myself up over it, and then finally I asked myself where this idea that abundance is bad has come from. And last week I realized that I am not Gandhi, or Jesus, or any other person who probably had luxury in one form or another and it was left out of their life story. I am starting to view abundance as the fact that wealth and privilege can be used strategically and responsibly. Over my career, much of the funding that I have received to move social justice projects forward has been from extreme wealth. Today I embraced the fact that I make a decent living, and that I have a responsibility to help others better their lives and that every once in a while it is not bad for me to splurge. Perhaps Oprah would think that my priorities are all wrong, that I should be funding schools for females in Africa or something as she does, but I just have to accept that she has different priorities that aren’t mine. Surely some people think that funding bilingual education, or progressive issues, etc is so bad! Someone is always going to think that me, or Oprah or you don’t have our priorities straight. Lately all that has been concerning me is trying to figure out a way that I can run a successful business that will employ women and give flexibility for childcare, motherhood, etc. In being able to help out many of the women that I have been mentoring, this is going to require me to hustle and make some serious cash so that I can help others. Perhaps somewhere along the way I might decide to go off on a Europe trip for a month to replenish my battery, which I feel guilty about because I think that I shouldn’t have abundance, but then I have to remind myself that I give everything, everything, everything to everyone else and deserve to replenish myself in whatever way makes me feel happy. Perhaps some people will think that I am being luxurious or exuberant just like I have criticized Oprah for being-no matter how simple we try to be there we will always seem luxurious to someone else. I can bet that no matte how much authentically that you live, how much harder you fight social justice battles, etc someone will always criticize that you have privilege-that you are american, white, educated, etc. We all have to operate within a capitalist system, and while I once used to buck against it because I thought that money and activism couldn’t coexist, lately I’ve just decided to take the system by the horns and squeeze what I can out of it, as long as I am being responsible and trying to care for other people. I don’t even know if I’m making sense, but just had to get it out of my system lol.

    • http://www.RKAinLA.com Rachael Kay Albers

      I think, for me, the key is to always be critical of oneself–I don’t mean in the “OMG YOU SUCK!” way but in questioning your decisions, buying choices, habits, etc. If going to Europe will re-fuel you and help you continue doing amazing work for others–GO FOR IT. But, sometimes when I’m moved to buy a material item that I don’t NEED and know won’t necessarily add anything substantial to my life, I think twice and usually don’t make the purchase. I don’t think a large income makes you at odds with activism but I DO think that making a TON of money, spending it MOSTLY on unnecessary frills for yourself, and then PREACHING about poverty is a tad hypocritical. None of us will ever be perfect. I’m a capitalist, too! There’s no way around it! My friend and I had a debate about this the other day. He said, “What if you go to a deserted island and make everything yourself?” My question was–how did you get to that deserted island? Did you make a boat? Where did you get the timber? How did you find out how to make that boat? How did you find out the location of the island? Unfortunately, at this point–there’s no way out. But I do think Oprah lacks a critical consciousness. If she dialed down her lifestyle even 10%–think about how much more she could do!!! And I think the hypocrisy lies in her plugging a hyper-consumeristic lifestyle. C’mon, Opes. Y’know that’s not the way!

  • http://lifeofherown.com melanie

    Although I’d also like to add to the record that the “my favorite things” aspect of oprah makes my skin crawl and it really irks me to see her as a corporate pawn giving away all sorts of things for companies. But what really bothers me perhaps are all of the people in the audience who are jumping up and down and screaming because they received some free piece of merchandise. Ugh. Wish people were that dedicated to fighting inequality as they are salivating over products!!

    • http://www.RKAinLA.com Rachael Kay Albers

      I’m with you, Melanie! I think it’s all a matter of how people are socialized/educated. Teach children the joy of giving and making the world a better place–they’ll jump up and down for it. But hey, that’s just my theory at this point. Check with me in 3-10 years and I’ll let you know how it’s goin’ ;-)